Three Lessons Learned in 2021

I spent last weekend listening to the howls of the wind and tree branches stretching while the lights in the cabin flickered.

In what has become a yearly tradition, I spent a long weekend in a cabin on Whidbey Island—a solo creative retreat. I packed up some books, my journals, painting tools and canvases along with a steady supply of trail mix, gnocchi, and coffee (the staples of any reasonable diet, of course). The stormy Washington weather and punctual darkness were the soundtrack and cinematography for this weekend.

Perhaps it's my inner Thoreau that is summoned when the leaves free dive, the rain sets, and the Seattle clouds exhibit all 50 shades of gray. But this weather drives me to find the coziest cabin possible, and embrace the stillness of the setting. In this stillness, I was able to review this past year and plan for the year ahead. 

I used the YearCompass planner. I’ve been using this planner for a few years after my friend Erik shared it with me. It’s definitely an exercise that requires multiple cups of coffee, a strong attention span, and tolerance to discomfort. The planner is free, although you can tip them $2/month on their Patreon.

One of its most powerful questions is to write about the biggest lesson over the last year. Unable to settle on just one, I arrived at these three lessons that I want to share with you. I share these lessons in the hopes that it motivates you to reflect on your own lessons, or try on my lessons for size over the next year. 

All the answers you seek lie within

I wrote about this in detail in my book, The Compass, but one of the most impactful changes I’ve made in my life over the past few years has been a steady journaling practice. Journaling is a space, an arena, where I can face my demons head on and wrestle them with each stroke of the pen and turn of the page. 

Through my consistent and painful explorations into the why of who I am, I’ve come to learn that the answers to our problems, fears, anxieties, etc., lie within each of us. Certainly, there are gains to be had from modeling the mindsets and behaviors of those you admire. Yet, our lives are as unique as our fingerprints, and as a result, no amount of emulation or inspiration will matter as much as the answers we find when we take the courage to look within and unearth the wisdom that we’ve always carried. 

This is the process of radical self-inquiry that professional coach, Jerry Colonna, writes in his book Reboot. Radical self-inquiry is replacing your inner critic for the voice of an annoying 5-year old that asks “why” to all your answers. This dogged pursuit of “why” will always lead us to places where we get stuck; our legs stumble upon the muddy waters of self-loathing, cynicism, and fear. 

Yet, there is power in crossing these muddy waters. It’s an act of courage that puffs out our chest long enough to realize that our fears and inner criticisms are temporary states. They are not our identities. These temporary states are triggered by our environment and our history.

Once you get to the level of analyzing your environment and your history (i.e. your parenting), you start gaining awareness and understanding as to why you behave in certain ways and value certain things. You’ll understand why you can’t tolerate when your partner doesn’t text you back in a timely manner, why the relationship with your father is strained, or why you can’t see eye-to-eye with your colleague. 

The best part of all is that this understanding was found by looking deeper inside and holding your breath long enough to traverse those pungent waters that dissuade us from doing the work of radical self-inquiry. It’s extremely empowering to know that as masters of our realities, we always have a chance at finding wisdom within ourselves, and in turn, it is always up to us to show up as better humans. 

The challenge is to develop the patience and consistency to make radical self-inquiry a daily process.

Process over outcome

I wrote about this lesson last week , but it bears additional commentary. The value of focusing on the process over the outcome is putting our energy in the place where we have the most leverage (our thoughts and actions), and less on external stimuli that we cannot control (e.g. other people, the weather, world events, etc). 

A process-oriented mindset is also far more resilient and adaptable, since the focus is more on the how than the what. Think about this scenario: If you were working really hard in your job to get a promotion (outcome), putting in long hours, pushing your body and mind to the limit,  and achieved great results, but didn’t get a promotion, you would likely be extremely disappointed, right? But if you reframed that situation using a process-oriented approach, you would see that that effort you put in probably made you stronger, smarter, and that you can still leverage what you learned and how you developed to find new career opportunities, for instance. 

This lesson is powerful in that it primes the mind for reframing your actions not as steps towards something, but as the step being the accomplishment itself. By being used to the idea of steps having to lead to somewhere, this can feel like a handshake with mediocrity. On the contrary, embracing the process, or the steps, gives you a chance to win every day, to make the losses smaller, and help live life presently. Years from now, you can reap the rewards of living in the present (another one of life’s paradoxes). 

I think this is the hardest lesson to learn, however. You have to first unlearn being outcome-driven. And being outcome-driven is one of the most dominant notions in Western society. At the evolutionary level, we are still simple beings that react to stimuli and seek to fulfill our needs. As such, the world around us has been designed to make us chase outcomes with minimal friction and maximum convenience. Technology has primed our brains to be hyper-outcome focused.

Consistency and follow through win the day

If you’ve read James Clear’s Atomic Habits or have spent more than 20 minutes researching the science of habits, then you are aware of the importance of consistency when developing a habit. Ultimately habits are the rhythm by which you live your life. In aggregate, they form the soundtrack of your life. So yes, habits are pretty important. 

But habits don’t develop unless we are consistent and intentional. And habits matter because they are consistent actions, which are a reflection of our values. And congruence with our values is what gives us purpose in life. But it all starts with turning certain actions into consistent actions. We are what we repeatedly do, as some would say (fun fact: Aristotle didn’t say that). 

I talked about consistency in the context of habits, since that resonated with me the most. But there is something to be said about being consistent and following through in our relationships with others. 

Let’s start with the truth. You are not going to be 100% consistent and follow through with 100% of your commitments with others. We are humans; it’s part of our condition to screw up and fail on our word. But if you want to live a life that you can be proud of, a life full of intention, then you have to get as close as possible to this ideal. In a world full of uncertainties and inconsistencies, being impeccable with your words and actions and showing up in your relationships with others with this intention will ensure that your relationships are richer. This is one of the guiding principles of Stoic philosophy, and is a big part of The Four Agreements (a book I highly recommend). 

This is the lesson I personally struggle with the most. I have the tendency to say “yes” to many things and stretch myself thin; it invariably leads to me failing to be consistent or to follow through with what I had committed to someone. The lesson within the lesson there for me is that if I put a premium on being impeccable with my words and actions, I have to learn to say no more often. In turn, being more selective means that I’ve filled my life with the people and activities that bring me the most fulfillment and/or energize me, which will make it easier to follow through and be consistent. And thus, a lovely virtuous cycle emerges (*cue intro to Disney movie music*).

I expect these lessons to become principles by which I live my life. Principles are those anchors that always help you find stillness when you feel unmoored in the stormy waters of life. These principles are guides that ensure I live life in alignment with my values. It’s becoming clear to me that our one true purpose in life is to live in congruence with our values. 

I hope you find wisdom in these lessons. If not, you can always look inward, trust the process, and remain consistent and intentional.

Happy Holidays!