“No Ragrets”
“I will regret it if I don't publish this.”
This was the final impetus that I needed to move this text from my Google Docs to the page you are reading. I think about regret constantly—both about my regrets, and the idea of regret itself. Somehow, I always struggle putting words around my idea of regret. Perhaps it’s because the world has made it less attractive to have contrarian opinions, while treating normal differences as contrarian opinions simultaneously. We are in the dark ages of nuance.
But as any of the writers that I admire would likely say: If it’s on your mind, and you can’t stop thinking about it, write about it, and share.
I think regret is one of the best qualities of human thought. It gets a bad rap. I roll my eyes and cringe when people say they have “no regrets.” This is a delusion. I certainly wish I had a time machine where I would be able to undo certain events or resolve many “what ifs?” in my life.
The “no regrets” rationale tends to be, “Well, I don’t regret X because it led me to where I am today.” That’s fine. And likely true. But I certainly regret any harm I’ve done unto others (intentional or otherwise). And I regret times where I didn’t take action because I didn’t believe in myself or act in accordance with my values.
I believe the reason regret is often avoided is because it comes loaded with negative emotions that we do not know how to process and/or accept, so we just avoid it. But these negative feelings are a signal. Regret is a signal. And the value in that feeling is to explore what that signal is telling you.
For instance, let’s say that you bullied someone in high school, and in hindsight you regret it (I hope you do). This memory, and your actions, may trigger negative feelings of shame, frustration, and disappointment. An alternative is to study those feelings, acknowledge them, and accept them. We have to get more comfortable with sitting in the discomfort of our faults. What we must then also do, is to draw lessons from the pain. Pain is one of nature’s best teachers: We must listen to it every time. In this example, the regret of those memories should be processed and integrated with your values so that you have more awareness over your thoughts and actions; and thus, minimize causing similar harm again.
Obviously, the magnitude of the harm you’ve caused and that you now regret demands different types of self-reflection, corrective actions, and reparations. This is not to say that harm or bad deeds are dealt with by just “reflecting on the regret.”
On the other hand, there is the kind of regret for the things undone and words left unsaid.
Trevor Noah puts it well in his book, Born a Crime. On regret, he shares the following:
“I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done in life, any choice that I’ve made. But I’m consumed with regret for the things I didn’t do, the choices I didn’t make, the things I didn’t say. We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to. “What if…” “If only…” “I wonder what would have…” You will never, never know, and it will haunt you for the rest of your day”
In a way, processing regret for harm you’ve caused is a lot easier than processing regret for things left unsaid or undone. In one, you have an outcome you observed. In the other, an endless sea of uncertainties and probable outcomes that you will be unlikely to resolve. Nonetheless, this second type of regret still provides a powerful signal.
The way I attempt to process this type of regret—attempt being the key word because it’s a work in progress—is by thinking about the fear or circumstances that held me back from taking action. Do they show up in my life today? If they are not serving me, how am I taking power away from them? This last question is part of the daily grind.
With this type of regret, I don’t think the haunting feeling ever goes away, but I do think that if you focus on understanding what stopped you from acting the previous time, it provides a valuable guide for future instances. But to ensure that you are really internalizing the signal that regret is giving you, you have to embrace it.
We all have regrets, even if we say we don’t. Unclench those fists and don’t fight the feeling. Embrace it, study it. Pain is our teacher for a reason. Be wary of rumination, for that is not practicing acceptance. And don’t forget that regret is part of the human experience.
I hope I won’t regret writing this.
